Saturday, April 14, 2018

My First Counselling Session


As I'm writing this, I have just got back from my first counselling session and so I thought I'd document how I'm currently feeling.



The morning of my appointment, I was beyond nervous...


I was shaking and would have done anything not to go, but sometimes, life is full of stuff you don't want to do, so I made myself go. As I mentioned in my last post, the NHS was unable to help me so I was referred to a mental health charity instead. Here, they help people deal with a whole load of issues and see people from ages 13 - 24 years old, who are unable to access the NHS mental health services. Inside the waiting room, they've created the cutest, little space that makes you feel really safe, with positive quotes, succulents and pretty lighting.

I was called in and got ready to have to tell yet another health care professional my entire life story, but luckily, she'd actually been given some notes from the oh, so lovely Carol (from my previous post!!) This made me feel much more at ease because she knew some things, without me having to tell her. I glanced at my notes and saw the letters B.P.D, underlined several times and for me, this was a very surreal moment. I knew myself that it was something I'd had for a long time, but I always felt pretty guilty for being that way and how it would make me act. I also think, sometimes, people didn't really believe me when I told them about being borderline and that I just used it as an excuse or something, but now being in a position where I've been diagnosed and I'm FINALLY getting the help I need to control my thoughts and feelings makes me feel so bloody relieved. 

The first session wasn't that much of an actual session, but more so, another mental health assessment, where I mentioned the struggles I'm currently dealing with, the things that have happened in my past that I'm still coming to terms with and what I want to get out of the service. After the bad experience I had before when opening up, I really wasn't up for being super vulnerable again, just to be judged but, I did it and this time, I didn't feel judged at all. I'm one of those people that can say something super sad, cry tons and then quickly follow it up with "But yeah, I know I should be over it but I'm not" and that's how I've felt a lot with the things that are hurting me, but for the first time I had someone telling me how it's okay to still be dealing with the losses in your life and how our first experiences with loss can sometimes end up defining the way we deal with them later in life. There's no set time for your heart to heal. Some people may bounce back incredibly fast, but if you need that extra time, that's perfectly okay. 

I haven't even had a real session yet and I feel like I've learnt so much already and everyone in my life thinks I already seem so much more positive. I think this will help me so incredibly much and I'm so glad I finally had the courage to actually get the treatment I need. The only worry I have for now is that the charity can only offer me 12-weeks worth of sessions because of the large waiting lists so I'm not really sure what will happen after that, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it when it happens. I probably won't write any more posts on counselling until I've finished the 12 weeks and then maybe I'll write my final thoughts and if it's helped etc... but if you have any further questions, feel free to drop me an email, anytime! And if you've been thinking that you want to start counselling yourself, but you're scared, definitely be brave and give it a go, it can be so incredibly helpful and may even change your life! 

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