Monday, December 31, 2018

Reflecting on 2018...

Some years seem to pass you by, in the blink of an eye...whereas others can seem like a constant uphill battle, full of life lessons. 2018 was probably my toughest year yet, but I'm so thankful for it and everything that happened.

Shortly before Christmas of 2017, I finally went and got help for my mental health - so I knew 2018 was going to be a hard and challenging year...and I wasn't wrong. I was at my lowest and I mean that whole-heartedly. I was at rock bottom, I don't think I could have been any lower. When people talk about depression or mental illness in general, they often liken it to already feeling dead. It's like your body still works, your heart is still beating, but your spirit is dull and no longer there. I was drained. Physically and emotionally. I was struggling to even force myself to keep going and even the simplest of tasks, such as washing my hair or cooking myself food, seemed impossible.

I didn't even know who I was anymore and it felt like not finding out would be the easier option. Having to reinvent yourself after a breakdown or burnout is really one of the hardest things to do. But I kept going. It was months full of different medications, crappy side effects, unfriendly mental health service members, lots of waiting lists and telling your story again and again. I remember it being very painful, the emotional pain was so intense it felt like I had been set on fire or something. Getting through each day was HARD, it's like I could barely even breathe. So, instead of taking each day as it came, I focused on getting through each minute and each hour.

The biggest help came from a surprising source. I thought I would attend therapy a couple of times and be cured but the thing I'm most thankful for is...YouTube. Now, this probably sounds a little bit dumb but it's so true. Before, I never got why people were so obsessed with YouTubers or why there were fangirls over the age of 15 but now I GET IT and I eat all of my words.

Shane Dawson and David Dobrik low-key saved my life this year...

I would be experiencing very dark thoughts but then I'd watched their videos and I'd actually smile and laugh - and forget everything that was going on. They really got me through the hardest days. The weirdest thing when you're at your that you don't even really notice yourself getting better, but you slowly do. I stopped feeling so broken, all of the time. I started to laugh again and feel healthier. I made new friends, I started a new job doing something I l o v e. I'm finally doing something FUN and creative and it makes me feel fullied. I started to realise my own self-worth and I learnt that I can be single and still feel GREAT about myself. I felt as though it was important to stay single - so that I could actually focus on myself and my own well-being, without having to put so much energy into a new relationship.

I reconnected with old friends and also my dad. I found new hobbies and passions, one of which was YouTube! I had wanted to create my own channel for y e a r s but I was always too anxious but I love it so much and I cannot wait to make more videos in the new year. (You may have also noticed that I blogged a lot less this year. It's mainly just to do with work and YouTube taking up so much of my time!)

Of course, I'm not magically cured and there are times where I don't feel great and I doubt myself and the progress I've made but I'm in such a better place - and you know what? I think I'm going to be okay. Everyone always preaches about how different your life can be in a year. I remember thinking about that a lot when I went to my first appointment for my mental health. "In one years time, maybe I won't feel like this" - but 365 days can seem like an incredibly long time when you don't want to wake up each morning, but I did it! I made it. I am in a completely different place. It really does get better, in time.

So, hi 2019! I am so ready for you.

There are so many things I'm looking forward to in the coming year and although, admittedly, there will be lots of tough things to face and more life lessons to learn - I haven't felt this positive in a very long time!

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!
Best wishes for 2019.

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